The Purple Diamond Snatch

In a galaxy far, far away, the year is 2295 and the time is approximately 9.30 AM. The world isn’t exactly as we know it. After the 9/11 incident, USA’s President Bush got insane and sent a couple of hundred nuclear missiles to the Middle East to take care of business. Unfortunately, someone sent all of Russia’s nukes to USA. The Earth was in for a real nasty head ache. Our world and everything in it practically died. Man left his home and went off to space.
This very short story takes place in the Andromedia Galaxy, on the planet people called Earth2. The time is approximately 9.31 AM.
“Call Erica and GI Joe! They’re the only crime fighters in town who can bring the scumbags down!” screamed an ugly guy on TV. Erica lied down on the bed and watched as the ugly guy on screamed her name.
“Ahhh. I hate this stupid commercial”, she cried out loud. “It makes me look fat! And that guy I SO ugly”, she added.
“Nah, he ain’t so bad, I know that guy”, said GI Joe from the kitchen. “Besides he’s right, and you’re not fat”, Joe added.
“Bah Joe, you know nothing!” Erica said and switched channel, threw the remote control on the floor, and buried her head in a pillow.
“Well I know how to protect you, my princess, from all these scumbags”, replied Joe.
“Whatever” she muttered from inside the pillow.
Erica was a former Miss Universe and superstar model/actress. She was a slick 27 year old chic who had it all: cool attitude, long beautiful blond hair, deep blue eyes, a perfect nose, and a great body. She practically lived on salad and raw fish. All the girls wanted to be like her, and she was everybody’s role model.
Together with GI Joe, her knight in shining armor and boyfriend, she hunted down criminals. The two of them were the best, just like the ugly guy on TV said. Criminals through out the galaxy feared them and nicknamed them “Lethal Beauty”; since Erica was so beautiful, and GI Joe was known to be tough and dangerous.
GI Joe was indeed tough. He was an ex hardcore soldier who liked to kick ass first and takes names after. He wasn’t exactly slow, but he usually acted more on impulse then on thought, and that’s probably why he got fired from the US Army, when he smashed a higher ranking officer. Joe was 29 years old and looked just like Vin Diesel in “Chronicles of Riddick”; he was big, brutal, and didn’t give fcku.
Joe sat beside the kitchen table and checked out ads in a computer magazine.
“Baby” he shouted, “I really think we need a new computer… but should we go with the new version of Windows called SGS, or should we get the latest from Rotten Apple, the MIB? Baby…?”
“I don’t know, don’t ask me. Ask the droid, he’s the one who’s gonna use it anyway!” Erica answered him from the bed. “What does SGS mean? And MIB, what is that? Short for Men In Black?”
“Nah, MIB stands for Mac Is Better, but I’m sure it’s crap. SGS is short for Still Going String. Well I’m gonna ask T0M then” said Joe.
“Interesting names they have nowadays…” mumbled Erica.
“Hey T0M, which operating system do you wanna use? The latest from Microsoft or Mac?” asked Joe.
“Get Windows” said T0M.
“Then it’s settled, Erica. It’s Windows” said Joe.
“Halleluiah” moaned Erica.
T0M was a communicator robot and could speak several languages; both computer and human. GI Joe mostly used him as a hacker and information gatherer. T0M was originally from the Alpha 015895A series and bought by Erica’s manager for administrative work.
“I don’t understand why we need a new computer; the one we have works just fine” said Erica.
“We need a new box so we can catch that damn Mr. Pink. Him and his Skywalker boys control the underground you know…” said Joe.
“Nah, he’s harmless. I’m sure al that talk is pure fabrication” declared Erica.
“Hey! Just because he’s your ex boyfriend doesn’t mean he’s harmless! And we all know why you left him! He was a criminal even then!” said GI Joe. “Oh and by the way, T0M saw Pink’s little assistant Little Nicky the other day, and he gave TO0M a real funny face” he added.
Mr. Pink used to date Erica and they were a happy couple. Mr. Pink had large muscles, long black hair, and he usually wore jeans and a black leather jacket. His real name was Jens but nobody called him that – not after that incident. Erica found Jens in her wardrobe trying on her sexy g-string underwear. Pink was the color. She dumped him on the spot. But Jens, now referred to as Mr. Pink, was determined to get her back.
Little Nicky was Mr. Pink’s little helper and right hand. Nicky was a small robot from the Out There Company and he looked innocent but was far from it. His official name was AK47-666 and a name like that really says it all. Little Nicky was an ex military droid and designed for two purposes only: interrogation and torture. Mr. Pink bought him from the Army after the Second Millennium War.
Just as GI Joe was sitting by the kitchen table and thinking how evil Mr. Pink was when the telephone rang.
“Hey, answer the damn phone!” he yelled.
“Sorry baby, I’m in the tub now” Erica yelled back.
“Ok, I’ll get it” said Joe and answered the phone. “Yes hello? What?? Really!?” I’ll be right there!” He smashed the phone down.
“Angel that was the SSS (Secret Space Service)! They told me the Skywalkers’ are headed to the Earth Museum trying to steal the Purple Diamond! That damn Mr. Pink!” screamed Joe.
“What? Really!? But I need to finish my bath… You go and I’ll catch up with you there in about 20 minutes, ok? ” Erica replied.
“Sure baby, but hurry! I’m gonna kick some Skywalker ass!” said Joe.
“Okay sugar, see you soon!” shouted Erica.
GI Joe closed the door and ran outside. Erica could hear his super duper ultra Proton flying away. She got up from the hot bath, grabbed a towel, and examined herself closely in a mirror for a long time.
“Yup, I’m fat” she muttered.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door and Erica went to open it.
“Are you back already, darling?” she spoke out loud and opened the door. But it wasn’t GI Joe. It was Mr. Pink and Little Nicky!
“Yes my love, I’m back” said Mr. Pink. “And you are as beautiful as ever.”
“What… what… what are you guys doing here” she stuttered.
“We came for you” said Little Nicky and laughed.
“But, but…” Erica stuttered again.
“Now baby, relax” said Mr. Pink.
“But when GI Joe gets back you’re gonna be in real trouble” she finally said.
“He’s not coming back. My boys have a little surprise for him” said Pink and laughed.
“Oh, no!” Erica screamed. “Please don’t hurt him. You can do whatever you want with me. But don’t hurt him!” she begged.
“I intend to” said Mr. Pink cocky.
And just as he grabbed Erica, T0M came in from the balcony.
“What are you doing?” the robot shouted and rushed to save Erica.
“No! Contact Joe! Pink is getting him killed” screamed Erica.
But before T0M could compute Little Nicky had thrown a beer can right to his steel head and he fell to the floor. Nicky jumped after him and the two droids started to fight. They rolled around the floor, and hit and insulted each other.
“Your mother was a Mac!” yelled Little Nicky.
“Oh, yeah? Well you’re gonna meet Bill Gates in Hell!” answered T0M.
The two robots finally stopped the rolling and ended up in the bathroom. They continued to fight and Little Nicky fell in the bathtub. He fell so hard that water from the tub created a big wave that dragged down a lamp from the ceiling and it fell right at Little Nicky. Everybody knew that if it would reach the water Nicky would be shut down permanently!
“Nooo!” shouted T0M, and rushed toward the tub. He got the lamp just before it reached the water!
“What??? You saved me!” yelled Little Nicky. “Why???”
“I don’t know” said T0M and continued “I wouldn’t wanna die like that!”
“Well, you’re the greatest” shouted Nicky.
Even Mr. Pink got emotional and let go of Erica.
“You saved my little droid, you saved his life” he said softly.
“It was nothing really” said T0M.
“What have I done?” Mr. Pink asked himself. “They’re gonna kill GI Joe, they’re waiting for him with a hyper microwave railgun!”
“Ahhh. I got to get there!” screamed Erica.
“No. I must go. Thanks for changing my heart” he said and kissed her gently.
Then Mr. Pink ran out to his Space Volvo and flew away.
“I’m going to Heaven for this…” he told himself while steering his spaceship in the Earth Museum’s direction.
Meanwhile GI Joe had already neutralized the Skywalkers and saved the Purple Diamond. When he saw Mr. Pink’s Volvo approaching, he rushed to the railgun and loaded it. The second he had Mr. Pink in his crosshair he fired! And Pink’s Volvo exploded! He killed Mr. Pink!
“Gotcha pink scumbag!” said GI Joe and laughed.
He smiled when the mobile rang.
“Yes hello” he said.
“Have you seen Pink?” asked Erica nervously on the other side.
“Pink? Yeah I believe I did. I just blew him off to Hell” he answered.
“What!?” cried Erica. “He changed his heart and came to save you! He wanted to save your life!”
“Goddamn! Well, I’m sorry baby!” said Joe. “At least he died for a good cause, ehh!”
Erica hung up the phone. The time was approximately 5.51 PM.
We now leave Erica and GI Joe and the others in the Andromedia Galaxy. Whether Mr. Pink went to Heaven or Hell remains a mystery.
In the real world, there isn’t an Earth2 to run to when the missiles blaze off and a lot of people need a change of heart. This short story tells us that there’s good in everybody; although Mr. Pink probably regretted his change of heart when his spaceship was blown to pieces.